Interests:music & singing my soul free, español, zhongwen, movies and freedom Expertise:laughing and taking care of others Occupation:Student Industry:Entertainment
so the other night after coming home from a jam session with the mariachi i found the computer on and the firefox browser opened to my poetry blog with this poem right on the front:
when does paranoia meet reality because your manic fear gnaws at me your love and shelter suffocates like plastic wrapping my dignity i blame you for so much but i know i'm being selfish this is not a sacrifice compared to what you've done for me still i cannot live in your chaotic bubble of peace your unstable whirlwind of security whiplash and bruises are battle scars from your love this reluctant love i selfishly regret so pathetic glasses of wine are my solace and i lose so much patience my landlady hates me
i no longer ask for permission because i never gave you authority papa died and you stepped in but i already spread my wings you lasso me in every time i take flight confine me, guilt me, into staying by your side if pity is love then i'm full of shit because i will always stand by you no matter how much you doubt me.
now i couldn't figure out how after firefox abruptly shut down while my mom was using it, restoring the session brought her to my blog when i hadn't been on that computer all day nor had i checked my blog in a while ... seems God or someone wanted her to find my blog. what's fascinating is the next day we had a candid discussion about poetry as an outlet and how i felt and how she felt. in the end she likes my poetry ... she just wishes they weren't about her.
i love my mom, despite her paranoia, over-protectiveness, surprise visits to my new job, and constant calls and text messages.
(from facebook) so some people have been in the loop and some haven't. and some people
have been asking me to update them and at some points i haven't been
able to. so instead i thought i'd write one facebook note, put it on
xanga, email it out so everyone can be up to date on the past two weeks
since graduating. and most of you i haven't talked w/ so i tagged you.
sorry if this is extremely impersonal, we can talk/meet up if you want.
first of all, i graduated. yay.
a week later i got into a major car accident. i was driving home from
temecula on the 15 north, far left lane, a van tried to change lanes
into my lane, i honked, next thing i know i swerved into the shoulder
lane, we hit, we spun 360, hit center divide, and then stopped. right
now we're trying to decide how to work out the insurance, if i'm
getting my own car, etc. according to my insurance, the driver claimed
i rear ended him. damn liar. and my mom had a neckbrace for a week but
is feeling better.
the next day i auditioned for mariana g (marianag.com) and since then
have become part of her band as the violinist and back up vocals. now i
have to practice like crazy. for a long time (until tonight's
rehearsal) i was conflicted about being in her band because it wasn't
part of my original plan (community volunteering, tuesday night cafe,
mariachi, etc) and i'm not even that good at the violin. but i just
have to at least practice violin once a day and work on intonation.
so the plan for the summer is to work part time at my mom's boss's
(retina specialist) and then go to my (unpaid) rehearsals until we have
(paid) gigs. she claims we'll start touring by the end of the year so
... supposedly i'm touring too. wtf.
much love to everyone including my bf, la peeps, mentors/profs and
seattle elaine for support during the past two weeks. sorry to people i
haven't updated/called back/emailed back. here's to the rest of our
lives and all the curveballs.
featuring Mark Gonzales and Omar Offendum of the Philistines
June, 7 2008 at Side Bar
1114 N Pacific Ave, Glendale, California 91202
Cost
: $10 (donation)
Fundraiser
June 7 for The Free Gaza Movement "Culture as Resistance" ... Omar
Offendum performing alongside Ragtop of the Philistines & HBO Def
Poet Mark Gonzales. A night of hip-hop, activism and the spoken word.
Come, hear about 75 people from 15 countries who sail to Gaza in August
to break Israel's siege of Palestinian civilians.
i must say. obama and his speech writers are legit.
i had heard about this video from tons of good people talking about obama's "race speech." what a description, but it's true. obama finally discusses the big pink elephant in the room: race. (thanks mariko for linking it on your blog)
at first, i was weirded out by the mix of race theory and universal "we are the peopleism." but i'm glad he resurrected his analysis of corporate interest and of race in america, and that he called people out on their idealism that he will rid the nation of racism and change the system or that his campaign was perfect.
so as far as the speech goes, i'm impressed. great lesson for the many in america who have never really thought about how america was founded on slavery. he was very blunt and real about history, and a little more careful about today's conditions, making sure not to alienate anyone or make very radical claims. he even addressed people like me who know his politics and want more from him. yay obama the man, not the politician.
side note: i still hate that when people list races no matter how they say it, inserting "asians" already makes the list long yet its omission reinforces our invisibility and putting "asians" at the beginning or the end doesn't make a difference. that's just how racial discourse in society is. now i'd love to hear obama highlight a story about an asian family, an asian immigrant, an asian refugee. but i haven't. so if you've heard of one, pass it on.
also, i still fear the following hypothetical but probable situations (of course, contingent on his election) - he will have to make concessions and bargain with corporations and politicians in order to appease constituents and allies. this will piss off all the liberals and radicals and make us lose hope in hope and in obama and everything he stood for, whatever that may be to you. things in life are always cyclical and thus we could either lose momentum in electoral participation in the next election, experience a backlash from disillusioned idealists, etc. - he will continue America's neocolonial empire in the Third World thus continuing our presence in Iraq (yes he'll pull out troops but can he <i>really</i> pull out corporations?), the Philippines, South Korea, Vietnam, Latin America and Africa (I know less about specific countries' politics) ... i guess no matter who our president is, we won't be able to rely on them for any sort of leverage
but i am still hopeful ... with a president cognizant and open about the u.s.'s racial history, what kind of changes can we see from the top? can he slowly start teaching others about race? would he really be able to negotiate greater corporate social responsibility type of change from corporations and change our schools, our neighborhoods, our prison and police system? well i guess not all in one term...
maybe if it is truly a revolution we want, hilary should be elected first and then obama. gather and prepare the warriors and then cycle out the ruling elite (clinton) for someone a little less elite but still elite but ... argh never mind.
oh predictions, hypothetical situations, and electoral politics. if only change was that simple. because it isn't. especially since so much of the change we want to see must start within us. i'm implicated in this too.
Quoting hip hop historian Jeff Chang when he quoted Grace Lee Boggs in saying that the will to struggle requires "the realization that there is no final struggle." Here's to everyone tagged, all that couldn't fit in the tag limit, everyone we love and have yet to love: here's to the continuing struggle, regardless of who gets elected.
there will never be bluer skies no cooler tradewinds no greener mountains no double rainbows ever so high
in no other land is love so deep no food so good no richer wood no flowers so intoxicatingly sweet
far from home and sunny days i regret leaving that place and being displaced so suddenly i wander the world in a daze dreaming of your embrace oh how i miss you, my hawai'i
-- here's to ishle park for teaching me to write a sonnet. and no, i don't think i will go home to hawai'i for another five years. :(
